Checked my coat in and I paid the dollar...

Tales from the coat check

2009-01-22T09:54:00.001-08:00

I’m the coat check girl, and I’m wearing my coat. I pull my obligatory black dress down as far as I can so the backs of my thighs aren’t touching the chilly table I sit on toward the front of the cramped closet. The floor is lined with rolling service tables and employee’s belongings, which they climb over me, back and forth, to access, both of us ever apologetic, “I’m so sorry”. “No. I’m sorry. No problem. Excuse me”.

There are a good 2 hours before anyone comes to check their coat. It’s difficult to concentrate on my book what with the pulsating club mixes and the darkness, and the fact that I can’t feel my fingers. I steal into the bathroom to “clear up any clutter”, but really I “attempt to steal the space heater”. After crawling under the counter on my bare knees, I see that the cord is fed through a hole in the wall that leads into the manager’s office. I attempt to yank it out of the socket with a few vigorous but ineffectual tugs and give up and retreat back to my icy cell.

The clearing of a throat awakens me from a (quite possibly hypothermia induced) trance. I look up to see a man standing at my gate, holding his coat expectantly. I jump up, wiping the drool from my mouth, and try to collect the few thoughts it takes to do this job. “I didn’t mean to startle you. You’re wearing a coat. So, are you, like, cold, or do you just sit back here trying other people’s coats on”? As I force a laugh at the 17^th time I’ve heard this “joke”, the man’s wife sidles up. “Can we put both our coats on one hanger”? Um, sure. If they fit. “Oh, they’ll fit”, she says, struggling to force her double lined fur over her husbands’ heavy wool coat. They stuff a dollar into my tip jar as I attempt to lift the 20 pound beast onto the rod.

“BOO!!!!”, another “jokester” jostles my reverie, shooting me a huge smile on his way to the bathroom. “Scared ya”! Apparently, he feels that this charming segue way has granted him admission to flirt with me on the way back to the party. He glides up and leans against the entryway, “You look good. You should be out there partying with us, not stuck back here”. He looks me in the eyes, leans in and takes my hand, kissing it. “I know my friends told me never to bother the girls while they’re working, but can I have your number”? I’m stuck at my post with nowhere to run. I feign being “enchanted” by his “allure” until another customer comes along.

She is barely coherent as she rifles through her purse, “I can’t find my ticket, but it’s the black coat”. I look back at the sea of black coats, bulging off the rods. “Do you know what’s in the pockets”? “No”. “Do you know what brand name it is”? “No. But, seriously, this is ridiculous. Give me my fucking coat now”. Thank goodness the manager is at my text and call to deal with this.

The lights go on, the music stops, and the bouncers corral everybody out. I count my money. Some people have been very generous. I’ve done well from what is quite possibly the easiest job in the world. But then I remember the reason I have the job in the first place. The very reason that people need my simple services. I zip up, tie my hood around my head and embark on a frosty voyage to reach my car, 3 blocks away.

My near death experience with Life cereal

2009-01-22T09:53:00.002-08:00

Hi,

I'm drunk at 7:24 PM at the library. Hm. Nina said I have to tell you the Life cereal story that happened approx circa April 2005ish.

So, I woke up first thing in the morning and wanted me some food, as usual. It was the first thing I thought of. I made me a bowl of Life cereal and skim milk and brought my ghetto plastic spoon to my lips and inhaled. Well, shortly thereafter I noticed that my airway was constricted and I was coughing profusely and there was Life cereal jammed down my throat. I started to panic, and the only recourse I could think of was to stumble out into my apartment hallway and start waking up neighbors so they could fucking call the ambulance or give me the Heimlich or some shit. Keep in mind that I was naked and it was like 8 in the morning. Could you imagine if you heard banging on your door and you opened it up to find some naked nasty coughing bitch clutching her throat and spewing chunks of Life cereal all up over your front entryway?? What would you do? Anywho, it didn't come to that. I ended up getting it out at the last second before I passed out. And then I was afraid to eat the rest of the bowl but I'm sure my ass ate some shit further in the day cuz my ass always does. That's how I do. Anyway, that was probably the closest I ever came to death. It would have SUCKED to die that way. If I have to die by any food it would have to be french fries.

So, last night we went to Alison's for a fajita party. Her dad made the real deal with the real authentic shit and the homemade guac and salsa and all. All my dad knows how to do is throw some lettuce and tomato up in a bowl and put some store bought dressing up on it. Anyway, that shit was good and I had seconds and thirds and fourths and whatnot. Then we got into some thing where we started posing in "senior picture" moments and taking pictures to commemerate that. It was SOOOOOOO funny, but you prolly had to be there. My real senior picture sucked. My mom took me to get my hair done at some shithole and they gave me "big hair" which is something that I thought was ugly all my life. So everyone looking in my yearbook thinks I was one of those hairspray people back then. I used to think those girls wore big hair to make themselves look bigger because they always liked to fight and they wanted to scare their skanky opponents away.

Off topic, some lady at the library asked to use my cell phone just now, and I let her but I think she just took off with a shitload of my money. I'm so stupid.

Okay, well I gotta get goin'. I will update you on the same bat time same bat channel.

Dizzle

Sometimes I get that "not so fresh" feeling

2009-01-22T09:53:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted in, like, 22 days?!?!?!?!??! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Let me fill you in on how fabulous my life has been since then.

This one time, I was sitting in my car, eating a vegan burrito, and this guy from my old job came running up to say hi. I tried to gulp down the last bite as quick as I could before I smiled and said hi. But there was definately bean on my teeth as I was talking to him. It was like a huge chunk that was covering a whole tooth. One of the front ones. I pulled it off after he left.

This other time, I woke up at 4 in the morning and couldn't sleep, so I wandered around the neighborhood, and these thugs pulled up next to me and started talkin' all KINDS of smack. I walked up someone's sidewalk and pretended I lived there and they STILL didn't leave. So then I went and hid in a crevice.

Then, this one other time, I walked into this expensive furniture store, and not only did no one come to wait on me but there didn't appear to be anyone working in the store at all. It took a few minutes to talk myself out of stealing some shit.

It's a hard life, being so fabulous. Stay tuned for more.

Over and out,

Dani

I could totally fuck up some shrimp fried rice right now

2009-01-22T09:52:00.001-08:00

Hi,

I have absolutely nothing...NOTHING...to do today. Except for write you. Here's the very latest in the incredibly mundane:

Yesterday my roomie and I went to the Value Village thrift store in the ghetto. We found it to be a little above our price range, so we high-tailed it outta there. The notable part of the story is that we took a funny turn (avoiding the five-o's) to get home and we discovered that there is a WONGS WOK DRIVE THRU/RESTAURANT BEHIND VALUE VILLAGE!!!! I haven't been so excited since...well, pretty much never. The only thing possibly more exciting would have been the presence of a Taco Bell. Needless to say, I went in there and wanted to fuck up every single dog food looking, but extremely salty and tasty, MSG tub of slop. But, I just got the SFR and forgot to get a fork so I had to spend the day looking forlornly at it sitting on the shift while we drove around looking for something to do.

We went to, like, literally 10 establishments, but each one was featuring the latest Packer game and looked really boring. So somehow we ended up at Silk strip club. OMG, I remember going there on underage night when it was Club Fantasia. I used to think I was the shit doing the Roger Rabbit up in there. Back to the present, these chicks were really hot and they kept circulating and asking me for more and more money, which I don't have, but felt obligated to tip anyway. We got really wasted and drove home quite drunk. Uneventful.

After that, my buddy came over to drop off a wet vac for us to borrow. I showed him across the hall to my Russian ex-neighbors' apartment, which has been open and almost vacant for about a month. We pillaged the shit and came away with an ironing board and a few choice FHM's. And a hatchet, and and unopened bag of Starbursts. And a weird Russian movie that looks like it's called Homobebop. I'm gonna sell it for like a million dollars on e-bay cuz I'm sure it's a cult classic in the Ukraine.

Okay, well I really have nothing better to say and anyway I want an egg roll, so I'm gonna roll.

Peace out,

SNOW DAY BITCHES!!!

2009-01-22T09:51:00.002-08:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

So, I go to work my "lunch shift" today, which always consists of not having any tables and cutting a bunch of lettuce and tomatoes and folding napkins. Well, I went to the back door, and kept banging and banging, but it was locked. I went to the front door and the cook (Luke) and dishwasher (Elviro) were sitting there. Turns out none of the owners ever came to open up. Now, I would have been under the 5 minute rule, but Luke and Elviro had been waiting for an hour. FUCK that noise. So, we headed on down to the Maharajah for some Middle Eastern beer. Luke had the buffet which I sampled until some dick came up and told me I couldn't eat off his plate. OH WELL!!! NOTHING can ruin my snow day in August.

And, just now, my boy friend whom I haven't seen in atleast 2 months called. HE HAS OFF WORK TODAY TOO!!!! So we're gonna hook up and spend the day inebriated and shopping and whatnot. To top it off, I'm meeting up with this one guy later who actually lets me kiss him, and he's really good at it, and he drinks with me too, so you can't top that!!!

This is the best snow day ever and I just wanted to share....:)

Cat food

2009-01-22T09:51:00.001-08:00

So last night I went out with my work homeboy again. We'll just call him "Shroom" because it befits him.

First of all, we went to Irish Fest at about 11:00ish. He informed me about his " hookup" on how to get in free. In case you'd ever like to try it, it involves asking all the people that are leaving if they have extra tickets for entrance or beer. I walked a few paces behind him while he did this, but I have to admit it did actually work. People were usually pretty cool about it. Nonetheless, by the time we got there we just walked right through the gate. We watched the very last show where all the singers and dancers get together on this huge stage and throw down. The audience was pretty tame, but it still kicked ass. And I did drink for free, so I can't complain.

THEN, after attending a house "party" and gaining about 10 pounds at George Webb's, I was driving Shroom home when he informed me that his CATS HADN'T EATEN IN 2 DAYS!!!!! I'm sorry, but I think that is sooooooooo mean. And sadly, he is not the first person I've met who "forgets" to feed their pets. People don't seem to understand that animals feel hunger and pain the same way we do. Needless to say, I wheeled the car around and took him to pick up some cat food at the 24 hour five and dime. Off the subject, he created this huge ruckus at the store, saying that someone had stolen his $5.00 bill and demanding to see camera footage and some crazy shit. Anywho, I went to his house and poured the cat food myself, just to make sure they were fed....Y'all these cats ate like no animal I have ever seen before. They were so scared of me, a new person, that one of them peed on the spot, and yet still ate even though I was sitting right by the food. It was sooooo sad. They were scarfing and not even chewing. Really, really pretty cats too. If I hadn't intervened, they would have gone another whole night without eating. Now, I'm always going to be worried about those cats. What can I do, though? They're not mine. People shouldn't get pets if they don't know how to take care of them.

Anyway, enough of my ranting, there's nothing I can do. If you have a solution, please let me know.

I fucking woke up at 12:40 today! The whole day is gone. Atleast my roomie brought me a sundae from McDonald's.:)

Danigirl

shroom zoom

2009-01-22T09:50:00.002-08:00

So, my ladies are all at Potowatami right now. Please put in a prayer that one of them wins big so that I never ever have to work again. Ever.

Tonight I got to work, and my co-worker busts out a bag of shrooms and says he's going to eat them right before we leave so he can be shroomed out at Shank Hall tonight listening to some one hit wonder band that sung that "in cars" song. I noticed that he commenced in taking them just as it was time to re-set all the tables and shut everything down. Yes, leaving me to do ALL the work. I work again with him tomorrow night and I think I'm going to bring an assortment of various pharmaceuticals and chop them all up on the cutting board right in front of him and snort them all up just as the shift starts. Then, while I'm passed out in the cooler all night, he can spend some time thinking about how lazy and stingey he is.

I'm stll sick, and I cannot shake this bug. Apparently alcohol doesn't kill all germs. Nonetheless, I'm going to try again when I catch up with my (hopefully) rich friends now...

putting off doing laundry

2009-01-22T09:50:00.001-08:00

Yo, my brotha's and sista's,

I have to work in about an hour. I feel very slightly under the weather, kinda achy, fevery, and tired. Do you think I should call in sick??? What a nice fantasy - let me dwell on it a moment...aaaaaahhh...

So far today the 10 pounds I've been trying to lose for the past 2 years is going well. I went to McDonald's and ordered a chicken patty (I hate that word, cuz doesn't it conjure up images of lunch lady food??) with buffalo sauce and a huge ass order of fries. I was ashamed of eating them alone with the freaks in there that like to stare at you. So then I decided to eat it all while driving home, but when I got into my car, the fries were like sweet nectar on my lips and I just couldn't stop eating and begin driving. The worst thing is when you're in the McDonald's parking lot, alone, scarfing down food like a jackal on a carcass, trying to hide...and then someone pulls up next to you and if looks could say "you're a fat disgusting glutton grease eating cow bitch", they would. I should have thrown my buffalo sauce at them, but I wanted it too bad.

Anywho, I'm going to go fold laundry now. My roomie washed our shit in fabric softener instead of detergent. Fuck if I'm gonna re-wash them, because they smell fresh enough to me. And so very soft....

Pig fish

2009-01-22T09:48:00.001-08:00

What's up y'all????

"Y'all", being...3 people, but I digress...

So, last night my cousin proudly showed us his new "coi" (sp?) tattoo. Um, I'm not an expert in marine biology but, as far as I know, there aren't any fish that have pig snouts. Not only does it have a snout, but it is HUGIFEROUS, and it stretches from his shoulder and goes clear down all the way to his elbow. Also...he talks to it. Also....he calls it "Chewie". Also...it was bleeding profusely and is probably infected with some kind of nasty disease and his arm will have to be amputated. What kind of bartender will he be then, I ask? A slow one, surely.

Speaking of bartending, I started for the first time yesterday and had my second "cocktail hour" today. Total, I made about $15.00 betwixt the two days. There came a point today where I stood out on the front sidewalk and handed out drink cards. Still the people did not come in.

There are some freaks that go in there, for example today there was a gay cake-baking, alchoholic that is running for state treasurer. I told him that he would indeed have my vote. But I shouldn't bitch cuz I do get to just sit there and watch t.v. and play the jukebox for free. Oh...and drink, of course. Today I concocted a Passion Fruit Malibu with lemonade drink. Not the best drink I've ever tasted, but I'm working on that.

Anywho, enough of this boringness. I think I shall go watch t.v. now.

Later,